Leap of Faith
by allred12
Summary: Clare and Eli are supposed to be working on homework, but of course they get distracted. Clare and Eli discuss Clare's faith and the effect it has on their relationship.


Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi

Leap of Faith

"You are like a dog."

"Excuse me?" Clare said while utilizing her ability to cock one eyebrow and still look angry.

"I mean that in the nicest, most sincere way possible. But you are like a dog", Eli continued, still not realizing that he was treading dangerously close to being physically abused. "You follow blindly what people tell you to do. You are on a leash, and you let everyone tell you where to go."

"You do realize that besides calling me an animal, you also managed to insult my integrity. Are you asking to be yelled at or are you just really stupid?" Clare huffed, a little bit more than pissed. Just seconds ago, the two of them were comfortably lounging on her bed while they were supposed to be doing homework. Then Eli had to blabber his profound philosophical opinion that his girlfriend was a domesticated animal. And on top of that she was majorly PMS-ing.

"You're not actually dog, it's the principle really. Like with your faith. Your parents tell you to go to church, you go to church. Your preacher tells to take a pledge of abstinence, and you put a ring on your finger. Why don't you think for yourself when it comes to faith?"

"Oh. This is when you want to talk about my faith. After calling me a dog, you want to examine my spiritual priorities?" Clare said, blandly.

"You know it's a talk we are going to have. We can't really avoid talking about faith and God and your beliefs and my beliefs. It's something we can't avoid forever if we want to have a real relationship" Eli said baldly, trying to meet her eyes which had become fixated on her comforter.

"I thought we would just agree to disagree when it came to faith, you know, sweep it under the rug. And I most certainly didn't think you would start the conversation by saying I am 'like a dog'" Clare stated, starting at a whisper and only speaking in a normal tone at the end.

"I'm sorry about calling you a dog, ok. I didn't really mean it. But we need to talk about beliefs and where we stand. Why are you acting like this? You never miss an opportunity to talk about your faith with other people. You manage to slip it in during casual conversations" Eli drifted off and assumed a quizzical expression.

"Because I already know that you think I'm wrong. I don't talk to you about it because it's about as beneficial as talking to a block of ice. If I thought you cared about my faith, that you might actually listen and hear me, then I would talk to you. But I know that you view it all as poppy cock" Clare said, continuing to look down and avoid his pondering gaze.

"I do care about your faith. I care about anything that you care about Clare. If you were a Satanist, then I would care about Satan. But I'm interested in whatever you care about because if you think it's worth thinking about, then it probably is", Eli said, reaching over and lifting her chin so that their eyes would meet. He could not take talking to the top of her head anymore. "And I would hope that you care about what I believe in too."

Clare could not hide the shock in her face. Last time she checked, Eli was an atheist, "I'm not a bigot, but pray tell, what in the world do you believe in?"

"Just because I don't officially believe in God, and read the Bible, and got to church doesn't mean I don't hope for there to be more out there than stars, zero gravity, and black holes. I want there to be something more. My parents never encouraged me to go one way or the other; they never pushed me to a certain faith. But I know what I want from life, and I know what I hope for after life. And I just don't think I need an institution to tell me that."

"But what is wrong with the institution. Why is the institution always something bad? Maybe having structure, and knowing what to expect is why people are drawn to the church. If my parents hadn't pushed me, I still think I would have found Christianity. I take comfort from having everything in a book, and knowing what to expect when I die because it's written down," Clare said, finally meeting his eyes full bore as they both laid their beliefs on the table, naked for each crevice and scar to be examined.

"I can see the comfort in that too. But I don't believe all the stories that the Bible tells. Some of them just can't be physically true" Eli said, all the while looking into her eyes, searching for answers that she did not verbally provide.

"I don't think the stories are true either, it's the principle really," Clare smiled with her eyes as she quoted him, "I don't think they are meant to be taken literally. But the qualities that are derived from them: forgiveness, love, creation, human relations; those are what I take from the Bible."

"I believe in those too, but I don't like the structure that is associated with it. Why are there rules that I have to follow if I want to be favored in God's eyes? If he loves us all, then what is the necessity of praying and following commandments when his love is unconditional?"

"I don't know the answer to that Eli. I just know that God wants us to be good people. Just like your parents want you to succeed at life, God wants you to make the right decisions" Clare said, her face not really showing the doubt that her mouth professed. Her assurance in her faith could not be destroyed by Eli's doubt. Of course her faith had been rocked by her parent's divorce. Marriage was something that she believed in, but she got through it, by the grace of God and Eli's support.

"I don't think my parents fall under that rule. Remember when they invited you over so I could steal your innocence. Yeah, I'm sure God supported their invitation," Eli said laughing, especially when Clare's cheeks glowed a faint pink.

"Yeah, but they were still caring about you when they did. Their intent maybe did not follow God's plan, but they thought they had your best interests at heart."

"So what God says isn't always right for everyone. The Bible can be molded to fit who you are, can be molded to fit modern times?" Eli asked, not sounding annoyingly cocky like he usually did.

"Yeah, I guess it could, but only to an extent. Are you really considering converting to Christianity or is this conversation just completely pointless?" Clare asked, slightly cautious because she did not really know where Eli was heading.

"Not converting, but contemplating. And I don't think any conversation we have is pointless. As long as we are talking to each other about something, then there is most definitely a point involved," Eli said.

They both looked at each other and laughed at the obvious untruth in Eli's statement. Each could recall several pointless conversations which had no redeemable purpose other than speaking to each other.

"But seriously, if you believe the Bible can be changed to fit people, why do you believe in this?" Eli whispered gently as he took her left hand and rubbed her ring finger where the silver purity band laid.

Both of them stared into each other's eyes for a moment. They knew this conversation was coming, it was inevitable. Clare was beyond nervous, and mortified. Eli just wanted answers.

"Eli, I believe in this because I want to. I made a promise to myself, my parents, and God."

"I understand that. But how can you promise to not do something when you haven't even tried it. It's like swearing to not eat chocolate even though you've never tasted it," Eli argued back gently.

"Or it's like promising yourself to never go to jail, and then never going," Clare retorted back.

"Sex isn't a bad thing," Eli said gently, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Yes it is. How could it not be? It's something that comes with so many consequences. It also has the ability for one person to execute power over someone else" Clare said, constantly trying to avoid Eli's penetrating gaze.

"Yeah it has consequences, but they're not all bad. It's about loving someone and caring about them enough that you want to share something special with them. And it's ok if you want to wait, but you should know that it isn't bad," Eli trailed off, while looking with concern at Clare.

"Darcy was raped," Clare declared.

"Oh, um. . ."

"Darcy was raped. She made the same promise that I did, and somebody took that from her without asking. Someone else was able to take control over her life through just one act. She went crazy. She tried to kill herself in the school locker rooms, and it's probably what led to her leaving for Africa. A part of her died when she was raped, and she will never be able to get that back", Clare mumbled, tears coming to her eyes.

"That's awful, and I hope and pray that will never happen to you for as long as we both live. But just because that happened to Darcy, doesn't mean it will happen to you. And sex, when it is with someone who you care about, isn't meant to destroy you. It's meant to cement your relationship and make two people a stronger couple."

"I can't help but be afraid. It ruined Darcy so what's to say it wouldn't do the same to me" Clare asked, still not meeting his eyes.

"When you do have sex, on your own time, it won't ruin you, because it will be you choice. What happened to Darcy is unforgivable. But seriously, do you wear that ring because you are afraid or because you believe abstinence should be practiced until marriage?"

"Both," Clare said without thinking. "I mean, initially it was because of my beliefs, but now that I'm older I know I'm not ready. If I'm still afraid of sex, then I am not mature enough to handle it. So perhaps when I know I'm ready the ring will come off, but not now, and not for a while."

"And we will cross that bridge when we get there," Eli whispered sweetly, and then pulled her face in for a kiss.

The kiss was gentle and tentative. After their conversation, they were both emotionally exhausted. Sharing their beliefs undoubtedly brought them closer, but it also showed how they are both very different. But for Eli, knowing the fuel behind her decisions helped him to understand her better. And for Clare, knowing her boyfriend was not completely devoid of faith helped her to see that they were not such opposites.

Clare ended the kiss and whispered "Am I still a dog?"

They both laughed until Eli said "I don't think so, but if you are, your one of those cute, clean ones."

"So would I be like a Chihuahua or more like a Poodle?"

"Hmm… I'm not up on my dog breeds but I would say more like an Irish Setter puppy, you know the same hair color and everything. . . "

"Oh ok. Now my hair is like a dog's. You really know how to lay on the compliments, don't you Goldsworthy," Clare laughed with a wide smile.

"Well then, why don't you give it a shot Ms. Compliment expert. What kind of dog would I be?" Eli said with a mock offended tone.

"Hm… Irish Wolfhound, puppy. With a lot of black fur" Clare thought aloud while moving his hair out of his eyes.

"Ha-ha. Ok, well at least we are both Irish, which means we are destined for each other. Right?"

"I guess it does." And Clare sealed their unity with a kiss. Even though their values were different and their beliefs, they were meant for each other. Eli accepted her and she accepted him. She did not have to compromise her values to be with him, and he did assume a faith and lie to himself for her.

Faith was important to Clare, and she knew Eli understood that and respected it, even if he did not necessarily agree with what she believed. Being with Eli was a leap of faith, but if she had never jumped, she would have never known how rewarding the fall would be.

"But seriously Eli, you need to work on your compliments. Get some good advice on that."


End file.
